It’s ok not to be perfect!

Dear Baby Girl,

I wish I could tell you I was one of those mom’s that always seem to be fashionably dressed, perfectly made up and able to juggle 50 million things at once and never break a sweat. I’m not. You will probably be embarrassed by me at some point at time.  I apologize now if you are, but I refuse to make myself something that I’m not.

Here’s the thing.  I’m a work at home mom, the only people that see me on a daily basis are you and your father.  So when I wake up in the morning (to you crying to be let out of baby prison, ie your crib) I toss on a pair of comfy pants and a t-shirt and it’s off we go.  Unless I have to go out of the house to go shopping, for a doctor’s appointment or something along those lines, this is normally my uniform for the day.  During the day you will probably stain the shirt or pants as hands covered in saliva melted goo grab on to me before I get you cleaned up.  I’ll look at the stain and simply try to wipe it off and sigh.  If it’s too bad, I’ll find a clean (or at least cleaner if I need to do wash) item and change.

Recently on babywearing groups I’m in there has been this stylish mom.  She’s always perfectly groomed, down to red lipstick that would make my skin look yellow.  Her wrap matches her outfit, her child is always perfectly cleaned and once her high heels matched the child’s outfit. I see these pictures on one group or another EVERY day.

The green eyed monster came out!  I mean, dang, it’s not fair that someone can look so perfect while being a mom!  I start my day taking care of you, first nursing, then making breakfast for us.  We play a bit and it’s off for your morning nap.  As soon as you go down, I rush to get breakfast dishes done and get to work!  I try to get as much done in the hour to two hours that you sleep, then it’s play time, lunch time, some more play time and back for your afternoon nap.  Again, I rush to get work done.  You wake up, we make dinner and eat, have some more fun time and then it’s time for bed.  Hopefully I got enough work done during the day that I can enjoy some relaxing time with your dad otherwise it’s back to work I go!  Wash, rinse, repeat.

Make up?  A little black dress with stunning lime green pumps?  Yea, I don’t have time for that!  When we take babywearing selfies, I’m normally trying to find an angle that makes the bags under my eyes look like a tiny clutch purse instead of a monstrous tote.  I’m looking to see if that strawberry juice stain is hidden under the chest pass and hopefully the shirt isn’t too bunched up.  Let’s check the hair, does it look greasy? I showered… yesterday? No, was it the day before cause you were teething and fighting napping so I barely had enough time to work, let alone shower… As one mom on our local group said, 9 times out of 10, I’m a mombie!

Then I stopped and thought about it.  I don’t wear you for photo ops, though one day I do want to have babywearing pictures taken.  I wear you because it helps us get through the day.  I wear you to give you cuddles when you’ve fallen one too many times and won’t calm down.  I wear you so that I can get housework done or dinner cooked.  I wear you so that your overtired butt goes down for a nap.  I don’t wear you to be a model, I wear you so that life continues and part of life is not being perfect.

I’m not perfect and I will never claim to be so. And you know what?  That’s okay.  If I embarrass you one day by showing up at school in yoga pants and a t-shirt, I’m sorry.  But hopefully you’ve also learned that it’s okay not to be perfect 100% of the time.  If you can at least remember that, I will have one small victory as a mother!

Love,

Mommy

P.S. It’s 2:22 and there are no stains on my clothes yet, so we are winning!!!

Cultural Appropriation in Babywearing

So for the first time ever today on one of my groups I heard the term cultural appropriation in regards to babywearing. I’d never heard the term before and was curious, so off to Google I went. Oh my Lord! Wow! I never knew that there were such feelings out there about it!

I started out with this article on The Toast: http://the-toast.net/2014/11/17/cultural-appropriation-birthing-community/ and moved on from there.  One article I read addressed other aspects of parenting as cultural appropriation, such as feeding on demand.

So I started thinking about it. On one hand, I see where the author I linked above is talking about. As a Caucasian woman, I’ve never had someone make a comment about “going native” or “back to my roots” or anything derogatory like that. I did have one woman ask if I was too poor to afford a stroller once (while wearing a wrap that cost more than many strollers) but that’s the extent of it. So I don’t have that as a point of reference.

I can see how someone could be upset if they have strong cultural ties, however I honestly don’t feel that one can honestly claim that babywearing appropriates from a specific culture.  Many cultures all over the world have carried babies in one form or another because at the end of the day it is efficient. You can find depictions of it in art all over Europe, everything from what we call a rucksack carry to a simple hip carry to cradleboards and some other truly interesting creations! You can find an amazing collection of these images on the Iowa City Babywearers page: https://iowacitybabywearers.wordpress.com/2015/03/27/babywearing-in-medieval-and-early-modern-europe/

Unfortunately as time wore on and we got “more civilized” it became less popular, especially with the invention of the pram. As we moved from a hunter/gatherer society to an industrialized society, it was no longer a necessity and so many traditions were lost. Now we see it primarily in cultures where manual labor is the main source of food and/or income, so it’s now “native.”

I will honestly say that I never really considered babywearing as taking from a culture because it has a history throughout the world.  I never thought of it as taking the significance away from specific cultures.  If you ask me to describe cultural appropriation, I would’ve said the various food styles that we’ve elevated out of the common place – Japanese Steakhouses, the many Pho places that seem to be on every corner out in Washington, the commercialization of Mongolian Barbeque.  I would have said tribal style tattoos.  Babywearing? Not so much because it is so wide spread.

Then I saw them talking about terms such as ‘kanga’ or ‘rebozo’ as appropriating someone else’s culture.  One article talked about how the commercialization of the rebozo wrap is diminishing its significance and value as traditionally specific colors and/or designs are unique to an the area. Or how there are so many companies that are making insane profits off of specialty woven cloth even though many cultures that still wear on a daily basis do so with a simple piece of cloth.  They wear their babies in handwoven cloth that they made themselves or a simple sheet.  And this I can understand.

You have brands that sell for hundreds of dollars, if not thousands of dollars because the company only creates a limited number of wraps and have become a name like Louboutin, tied to exclusivity and privilege and I understand a little bit more where they are coming from.  It can get insane – I’ve seen people spend $15-$20,000 on a complete warp from a handwoven company.  This would make a great down payment on a house for me or even buy me a brand new car, so spending that kind of money on wraps does boggle my mind on occasion, however I also understand that some people have the cash flow to be able to do this and I don’t begrudge them that.  In the end, they are supporting someone elses hardwork, time and effort.  There are people that post ‘stash’ shots that when you sit and tally the value equal thousands of dollars of what at the end of the day is just pretty fabric.  But again, if they have the disposable income to do so it is their choice on how to dispose of it and I’d rather see money spent to snuggle babies than spent on drugs, alcohol and other worthless endeavors.

On the other hand, even though we are rediscovering how keeping our children close through wearing is a benefit to both the parent and child. In the end, as parents, we still want to ensure the safety of our children and companies that produce wraps and other things understand that and ensure that through compliance with regulations we have that peace of mind.  In a free market economy, there is always going to be companies that end up making a larger profit because of marketing and other factors.  Unfortunately, this is just commerce. It is going to happen and has through out time.  Clothing used to be homespun, homemade – Now it is massed produced and sold.  Some brands cost more than others.

The one author alleges that the babywearing industry has made it hard for low income families to babywear because companies charge so much for wraps and carriers.  However, I dispute that allegation.  You can find at yard sales, second hand stores or even Wal-Mart, carriers that run from a couple bucks on up.  Moby wraps commonly sell for $5 to $10 second hand. Infantio has carriers that even new range for $20-30. Wraps can be made from a couple types fabric – 5 yards of osnaburg can be less than $15 depending on where it is purchased from. While yes, there are high value wraps and carriers out there, there are also plenty of options that allow lower income families to wear if the desire is there. Heck, you can turn a beach towel into a wrap!  So I don’t agree that the ‘westernization’ of babywearing has made it unafforable for everyone.

The one author accuses the community of appropriating terms to make it sound ‘exotic’ or entice people to buy them.  However I challenge that because without ever having done research until I sat down tonight to write this, I never thought these things were exotic, I thought it was matter of fact. I assumed it is called a rebozo knot because that type of knot is what was commonly used with rebozo wraps.  I figured that we call it a tibetan finish because it originated in Tibet. I recognize that various forms of carriers such as Mei Tai’s, Onbuhimo, or podaegi come from various Asian cultures and that we are lucky that these cultures have continued to wear their children so that we can learn from them the knowledge that our Western civilizations have lost.

I’ve never once seen a class marketed as “Mexican rebozo use’ or ‘African belly wrapping’ as the author of The Toast article alleges. I’ve seen mothers teaching mothers how to use wraps to keep their children close and safe.  I’ve seen women reaching out to learn how to safely carry their children without harm to themselves or the child. I’ve never seen anyone try to make a profit off of teaching babywearing.  My first group was a group that grew organically – They made money off their lending library to pay for more carriers.  My second group is part of BWI (Babywearing International) which means they are a non profit group.  No leader makes money, no educator makes money.  They may charge a fee for a specialized class, but that fee goes right back into the chapter.  Then again, I may just not be traveling in high enough income brackets to truly see what the author alleges.

The one article talked about how as parents we are ‘going’ native, transitioning back to breastfeeding more, feeding on demand instead of a schedule, bedsharing/co-sleeping, babylead weaning etc.  But is it really appropriation when all societies have roots in this? Or is it rediscovering that we’ve lost as the modern world has encroached into all aspects of our life?  Is natural birth truly ‘going native’ or realizing that we’ve allowed medicine to take over a process that women have been doing for thousands of years.   Is babywearing a trend, a fad or mimicking societies that haven’t had the same industrialization that our western culture or is it truly understanding once again how we can help teach our children from an early age that they are loved, that we will keep them safe and be a safe place for them where they can decompress from the world when things get to be too much?

What are your thoughts?