growing up

It’s been a while….

Dear Daughter,

It’s been a busy month and I haven’t posted since you turned one, but that doesn’t mean that there haven’t been things I wanted to say.  Right now what’s on my mind is the next three-ish months.  You see, while you probably won’t remember, Daddy left for a training mission and will be gone till right before Christmas.  He’s done overnights, a week here and there, a couple weeks at Yakima, but this is the first extended separation that you have been through.

You are lucky though Baby Girl, you had most of your first 13 months with him, something that in Army life nowadays is basically unheard of. Part of that was due to his broken foot, part of that was due to our move, but he was here through most of the major milestones: Crawling, walking, climbing, sitting up on your own. The only thing he’ll likely miss is when you finally have your first identifiable word and start talking. But who knows, you may hold out for him to get home for that.

My heart breaks for you Baby Girl, it really does. I understand separations and while they suck and I miss your father, I get it.  I understand.  You however are too young to really understand what is going on.  Even if you do, you don’t have the ability to express your feelings outside of fussing or being gretzy. I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse – I hear what other kids say when they know that their father is leaving and it brings tears to my eyes.  So on one level I’m glad that you can’t break my heart with those innocent childhood comments, but I know it must be frustrating for you to not be able to truly communicate.

I don’t think it’s quite registered yet, but you know something is off.  The first night you kept looking towards the door where he normally waves to you and tells you that he loves you as we settle in for your last nursing session of the day.  We were eating dinner last night and you’d look towards his empty chair.  He was able to call and the way your face lit up hearing is voice was so precious.  The priceless part though was when he said that he loved you and you pressed your forehead to the phone.  As I’m sure we’ll tell you many times as you get older, when we tell you that we love you, you press your forehead to our faces as your response.  When we ask if you love Bear, you press your head to his.  This is your way of telling us that you love us and the fact that you did it to the phone where you hear his voice coming from? Priceless.

Even though you’ve been clingy to me for the past week, week and a half going through a mommy phase, you are still a daddy’s girl.  You hear the front door, you run to the gate and yell at him if he goes to put down his work stuff before picking you up.  You wake up from a nap and you are looking for him.  You love playing find Daddy as he darts from room to room as you run looking for him.  It’s always a great evening for you when he breaks out the guitar or takes you out to the drum set.

Here’s hoping that the time flies quickly and he’s home before you truly realize that he isn’t around.  Here’s hoping for sanity for me as I take on parenting full time without him.  But most of all, here’s hoping that when he returns it’s as if he never left and you run to him with open arms waiting to be tossed in the air and snuggled.

Love,

Mommy

All the feels…

Dear Baby Girl,

Today you are technically not a baby any more, however you will always be my baby girl!  I have a feeling that you’ll be 18 and I’ll still be calling you baby girl.  I’d apologize, but you are my baby, so you’ll just have to learn how to deal with it.

Right about now one year ago today, we were in the recovery room at Tacoma General.  We were probably sleeping or trying to figure out that breastfeeding thing. I will never forget the feeling when they first placed you on my chest. My heart swelled and I don’t think I truly understood a mother’s love until that point. I was exhausted but elated, I had done it, you were here.

It was a long 24 hours – We arrived at TG about 24 hours before you were born and went through 12 hours of cervidil.  We took some time after that finished to see if you’d start showing up.  A few hours later the contractions started up!  It was exciting and terrifying all at once.  Then they went from nice easy contractions to a little stronger and I knew it wouldn’t be long before you were here.  Unfortunately, they also started doubling and tripling up and I quickly was getting exhausted.  Between your dad and the nursing staff, I managed to make it through and you arrived in this world a perfect little darling at 4:39am, weighing all of 6lbs 13oz.

You were so tiny! Even though I’ve been around babies much of my life, there’s a difference when it’s your own. They placed you on my chest honestly, there are no words to describe everything I felt in that moment. Your daddy gave us some time and then he held you for the first time. Yes, there were tears. Don’t let him tell you otherwise. To take it out of context, my heart grew three sizes that day!

Last night we gave you your bath, read you your stories and you and I settled in for your bedtime nursing session as a ‘baby.’ Normally, you nurse, get sleepy and go down in your crib half asleep, but last night I needed, for me and my silly emotions, to hold you and rock you to sleep. When you were born you fit so easily on my chest. Last night your head was on my arm, your cheek resting on your favorite pillow and your knees were at my hip with your little feet hanging off my hip. How did that happen? When did you get so big? I swear, it was just yesterday that we were at the hospital waiting for you.

Yet here we are, one year later! It’s been amazing watching you grow and learn! You’ve gotten 4 teeth in, are walking all over and attempting to run. You chatter up a storm, but don’t have any true words yet. You love blueberries and feeding the dog. When daddy comes home, your grin is so big and you can’t wait for him to pick you up. You hate the feeling of grass on your feet, but love playing with it. You give amazing snuggles when you’re in the mood, but otherwise, you’d rather be off doing your own thing. Bath time is always a favorite, though if we have to shower, you aren’t quite sure about that. When you get to watch t.v., you live Sesame Street… The classics of course!

Your mom is silly and sentimental, but I was sorta glad when I realized that due to the time change between Washington and Georgia, you were awake and cuddling with me when we hit that one year mark on the dot.

You are amazing and filled a part of me that I didn’t realize was empty. As much as there are days you’ve frustrated Daddy and I, I wouldn’t give up the last year for all the money in the world. I love you baby girl! To the moon and back, and more than all the stars in the sky.

Happy birthday!

Love,

Mommy

Toddlerhood

Dear Baby Girl,

I feel like, even though you are two weeks away from your first birthday, I have lost my baby only to have her replaced with a toddler overnight. While you may have been walking for several weeks now, we’ve gotten to a point where the time you spend walking it’s more than you spend crawling.  You’ve figured out how to squat and stand back up from the squat, so now you don’t have to sit to get that toy you wanted and can just go right back to toddling around the room, toy in hand.  You haven’t quite gotten standing from a sitting position, but I know that isn’t far behind.

Plus you are starting to lose those baby rolls 😦 You used to have the most adorable rolls at your chin, elbows, wrists and ankles. But they are going away. You are looking more like a toddler than baby every day. Your growing like a weed, just about as tall as Daddy’s inseam… Almost half his height and not even a year old! I have to wonder if your going to get the height gene from his family and end up taller than us.

You’ve got three teeth now, with the fourth soon to make an appearance I’m sure. I honestly can’t wait for you to be done teething though, it’s rough on both of us! So let’s not draw this out, my sleeping patterns would really appreciate it!

And your personality! Oh man, if infants/toddlers can be classified as divas, you are certainly one! Heaven forbid you don’t get your way, or you fall when you didn’t want to. I hear about it in a heartbeat. But you are also so happy over all! You wander around giving everything raspberries and giggling the whole while. You love coming up to me, Daddy or Bear and touching your forehead to ours, your way of saying ‘I love you’ without words.  And you should’ve seen how excited you were when Daddy brought you home Grover and Big Bird! Those stuffed toys always light up your face!

As much as I love watching you grow, I find myself missing the hours we’d spend snuggled up when you were younger. You’re not really into cuddling right now because you’re too busy exploring the world. But that’s ok, learning and exploring is important. One day we’ll get back to cozy cuddles on the couch. Until then I’ll be there when you need and want me, watching you when you need to do it on your own.

Love,

Mommy