love

I’m Sorry…

Dear Daughter,

I’m sorry Baby Girl. There are days that I am an engaged Mom.  We play with your blocks, we explore your shape ball, we snuggle, and we flip through your books since you won’t normally let me go in the right order to read them.  We have fun meal times and we play with your puppy (I’m still trying to figure out how our dog became your dog by the way).  You bring over your plush horses and we gallop them across the floor like Daddy taught you.

Then there are days like today. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something.  There was some stuff that happened last night after you went to bed that had me stressed and apparently that stress didn’t go away.  You fussed through me making breakfast.  You fought your morning nap despite showing you were exhausted.  You pushed limits and decided that physical abuse of Mom was a good idea. Your afternoon nap was fought as well and you slept for less than 45 minutes.  I got an extra project at work.  Things just kept stacking up.  By the time I got you changed after the afternoon nap, I was disconnected.  You wanted to play, but I just couldn’t connect.  I let you crawl on me and lay on me, but I just couldn’t find the energy to play with you. It was drizzling outside so we could not take our walk.  It was a bath night, but the idea of climbing into a tub and playing with you just made me more exhausted.  Instead you got to play on the floor of the shower and got a quick clean before going to bed.  Thankfully you went down easily.

I curled up on the couch with Bear for a quick cuddle before working and ended up dozing. I woke up feeling slightly refreshed and regretful.  Not to offer excuses, but Mommy’s an introvert or if you prefer to use more recent developments, an ambivert. Hopefully I’ve taught you well enough that you understand that this doesn’t mean Mommy’s shy.  It means that Mommy that prefers solitary activities. I love my books, time spent writing, curled up snuggling with our animals.  It means that I need solitary time to recover the energy to connect.   I do very well in social gatherings and actually enjoy them – Once in a while.

I’ll be honest, I never truly thought of myself as an introvert before being a parent.  There really wasn’t a huge impact.  I spent time with people, but I still had me time to recharge so it never clicked.  When my group of friends got together so many are only children that it wasn’t uncommon for someone to disappear for a while before coming back.  I remember reading an article when you were a few months old from another introverted mom and that’s when it clicked for me.  At first I thought it was just being overwhelmed as a new mom.  Then I worried for a little that I had postpartum depression because I lived for the moments you slept and was so frustrated at the little cat naps you were taking or when you woke me up from much needed sleep.  Then I saw that article and everything fell into place.

I wish there was a way I could ‘fix’ this, but there isn’t.  It’s who I am.  Normally when Daddy’s home he recognizes when I’m hitting my shutdown point and takes you away, let’s me refresh and recharge.  The only problem is that he’s gone right now so I don’t have that.  I’ve thought about child care in the mornings or afternoons, but you still nurse to sleep and I’ve never responded well to a pump, so I don’t know how that would really work since if I did that you’d be there during a nap unless I did something like 12-3, but then there is still travel time.  I’ve thought about having a mother’s helper come in during the couple hours between your naps, but for all that there are times I need to recharge, I love spending time with you.  It would be so hard to have you in the house, but not be with you.  I hate it when I have too much on my plate and daddy takes you and sends me to the office. I strain to hear the sounds of you playing and I yearn to be there with you, so I don’t know if a mother’s helper would really help.

Why am I writing this to you?  Honestly, because it’s cathartic.  I needed to get this out and I needed to apologize, but you won’t truly understand if I told you.  You also probably won’t have active memories of today either, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m sorry.  I know there will be more days like this over the next couple months and I apologize in advance for them as well.  Know that I love you more than anything and I do my best to be there for you.  I’ll always try to push through until you go to bed or down for a nap, but sometimes I’ll hit that shutdown point and find it hard. Be patient with me and still give me snuggles cause even when I’m touched out and shutdown, I honestly do love them.  Now pardon me (and any errors since I can’t go back and re-read) as I sigh a little sigh and go to your room to settle you back in as apparently tonight is not going to be one of the blissful nights you sleep straight through.

Love,

Mommy

All the feels…

Dear Baby Girl,

Today you are technically not a baby any more, however you will always be my baby girl!  I have a feeling that you’ll be 18 and I’ll still be calling you baby girl.  I’d apologize, but you are my baby, so you’ll just have to learn how to deal with it.

Right about now one year ago today, we were in the recovery room at Tacoma General.  We were probably sleeping or trying to figure out that breastfeeding thing. I will never forget the feeling when they first placed you on my chest. My heart swelled and I don’t think I truly understood a mother’s love until that point. I was exhausted but elated, I had done it, you were here.

It was a long 24 hours – We arrived at TG about 24 hours before you were born and went through 12 hours of cervidil.  We took some time after that finished to see if you’d start showing up.  A few hours later the contractions started up!  It was exciting and terrifying all at once.  Then they went from nice easy contractions to a little stronger and I knew it wouldn’t be long before you were here.  Unfortunately, they also started doubling and tripling up and I quickly was getting exhausted.  Between your dad and the nursing staff, I managed to make it through and you arrived in this world a perfect little darling at 4:39am, weighing all of 6lbs 13oz.

You were so tiny! Even though I’ve been around babies much of my life, there’s a difference when it’s your own. They placed you on my chest honestly, there are no words to describe everything I felt in that moment. Your daddy gave us some time and then he held you for the first time. Yes, there were tears. Don’t let him tell you otherwise. To take it out of context, my heart grew three sizes that day!

Last night we gave you your bath, read you your stories and you and I settled in for your bedtime nursing session as a ‘baby.’ Normally, you nurse, get sleepy and go down in your crib half asleep, but last night I needed, for me and my silly emotions, to hold you and rock you to sleep. When you were born you fit so easily on my chest. Last night your head was on my arm, your cheek resting on your favorite pillow and your knees were at my hip with your little feet hanging off my hip. How did that happen? When did you get so big? I swear, it was just yesterday that we were at the hospital waiting for you.

Yet here we are, one year later! It’s been amazing watching you grow and learn! You’ve gotten 4 teeth in, are walking all over and attempting to run. You chatter up a storm, but don’t have any true words yet. You love blueberries and feeding the dog. When daddy comes home, your grin is so big and you can’t wait for him to pick you up. You hate the feeling of grass on your feet, but love playing with it. You give amazing snuggles when you’re in the mood, but otherwise, you’d rather be off doing your own thing. Bath time is always a favorite, though if we have to shower, you aren’t quite sure about that. When you get to watch t.v., you live Sesame Street… The classics of course!

Your mom is silly and sentimental, but I was sorta glad when I realized that due to the time change between Washington and Georgia, you were awake and cuddling with me when we hit that one year mark on the dot.

You are amazing and filled a part of me that I didn’t realize was empty. As much as there are days you’ve frustrated Daddy and I, I wouldn’t give up the last year for all the money in the world. I love you baby girl! To the moon and back, and more than all the stars in the sky.

Happy birthday!

Love,

Mommy

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

The title to this blog is ‘Letters of Love to my Children,’ but you are my only child right now.  Maybe one day you’ll have a little brother or sister (your dad is hoping for a brother), but right now you are it.  My only child.  My firstborn.  My daughter.  The apple of my eye.

There are so many things over the last 11 months that I’ve told you and while I’m sure that those words are locked away in your brain somewhere, unless we figure out how to unlock baby memories you will never remember them. (This might be a good thing, I’ve gotten frustrated a time or two….or three…)  I’ve thought so often about doing something like this, but with being a military family I was afraid paper letters would get lost. E-mail accounts could end up closed.  The internet though?  That is forever.

One day you may look at this and go “Oh mom, how could you do something so public?”  That will probably be your teenage years.  Hopefully one day you look at this and see it for what I mean it to be, an expression of love.

We are quickly approaching your first birthday.  I’m still in shock over the fact that it’s almost here because at times it feels like only weeks ago that I was complaining to your father about how huge I was, how I couldn’t wait for you to get here.  Yet here we are.  11 months old.  And, pardon the humor, you are still alive.  We managed not to kill you. (Hey, we are first time parents….)  Over the next few posts, I’ll probably jump around over the last 11 months talking about things you’ve done and feelings I’ve felt.  If you want an organized timeline, ask to see your baby book (if I ever got around to putting it together) or to see my Facebook Timeline… If it still exists…

I think what really pushed me to do this today was watching you half walk, half fall (but mostly walk), arms outstretched towards him across our sunroom floor into your father’s arms.  I can’t deny it anymore – You are truly leaving behind that baby stage and moving into toddler-hood.  Just one week ago, I was sitting on the floor in front of you, bits of teething cookies in my hands trying to convince you to take your first steps.  Your dad was there… He managed to look away both the first and second time you took a step.  But that’s okay, cause he saw when you first walked more than a step.  That’s the important thing!  Through out the last week, you’ve tentatively started to let go of your little walker or the chair or couch or whatever you used to pull up and take a few steps.

It boggles my mind how fast you learn things right now baby girl.  I have no words to describe the pride I feel watching you as you grow.  I can only say that one day, when you have your first child, you’ll understand what I mean.  Three months ago you had just barely started army crawling. And I mean just barely. It was slow going and you would get maybe a foot or two before you got tired and stopped.  You got good at it quick and there was no stopping you.  Then you finally realized that if you got onto your hands and knees you could go faster. Man, can you go!

Then came pulling yourself upright into a standing position and by the middle of May we’d gotten you a little push walker.  It took you about two weeks, but you soon had that thing figured out and off you went… so long as it was a straight line.  Yet time passed and you started to figure out not so much how to steer, but that you could also push it from the front or side if you got stuck somewhere.  You were there, but not quite.  Little by little, we encouraged you, held your hands and helped you.  You didn’t like that very much.  You are an independent young girl even now. If we tried to help you stand and walk, you’d go limp and sit.  We put you in front of your walker and you were gone!  Then came the steps.  I still get a tad teary thinking about it.

You’ve hit so many milestones already: Holding your head up, rolling over, sitting up,eating solids, crawling, pulling up to stand… But this one is the one that really is pulling at my heart strings.  Why?  Because it brings you out of being a baby.  Don’t worry though baby girl, you will always be my baby.